5 Tips On How To Overcome Perfectionism
Growing up, I never thought of myself as a perfectionist. It wasn’t until later in my teenage years that I started to notice this sneaky little voice in the back of my head that filled me with fear, guilt and discouragement. This voice was so familiar that I had never consciously tuned into it and noticed how much it was restricting me.
Over the years I have come to see that perfectionism is a trick of Satan to keep me so trapped in fear and self-hate that I don’t grow into the person God wants me to be or access the help and support I need. Perfectionism stops us from receiving the gifts of love that God wants to give us. From my own continuing journey of silencing the voice of perfectionism and tuning in to God’s voice of truth and love, I give you my 5 top tips on how to overcome perfectionism!
#1 ASK FOR HELP
Asking for help is a big way to kick perfectionism in the face. If perfectionism was a person, they would use guilt trips and fear to keep you silent. You may be familiar with some of these lines:
“If you ask a question, you’ll look stupid.”
“You should already know that.”
“Don’t be so pathetic, just work it out yourself.”
When asking for help, I’ve found that perfectionism can manipulate my thoughts in two ways:
Fear and guilt tactics – telling me I’m weak or inadequate for asking or that others will see me as a burden for letting my needs be known.
Stubbornness and pride – persuading me that having complete and total independence, despite the cost, is what makes me capable, that asking for help is defeat.
Both voices are telling lies. Capability does not subsist in doing it all alone, asking for help not only allows us to grow in humility, vulnerability and courage, it also means we develop stronger relationships with others as we work towards a common goal. On top of this, it gives others the opportunity to love and support us, a tangible sign of God’s love in our lives.
#2 TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS
When I find myself in a negative mind frame of self-condemnation, I’ve realised that picking up the phone and verbalising this to a trusted friend is an absolute game changer. Communicating my feelings to a listening ear instead of leaving them to run destructive loops around my brain brings me back into reality. By speaking out my unpleasant feelings rather than trying to ignore or numb them, they lose their momentum. Honest chats with my parents, psychologist, friends and siblings keep me grounded and help me to be more gracious to myself. I’ve also realised that it is my responsibility to lean on these relationships and make that call when I need a chat. Every time I reach out, I am giving myself permission to be loved, saying with my actions “I have worth and value just as I am.” The more I say that with my actions, the more I believe it’s true.
Reaching out and building up a support network around you takes a lot of courage. It’s tempting to wait until you have it all ‘together’ to talk about how you’re going, but inviting trusted people into the mess opens a huge door for God to pour grace and healing into the areas where you most need His love and reassurance.
#3 APPRECIATE YOUR EFFORTS
The day that I took the comment ‘good job’ as an insult was the day I realised I had a serious problem with perfectionism. “Good job? That’s the bare minimum!” I thought to myself. This inner dialogue made me sit back and think about what kind of expectations I was placing on myself. Even when I did well, I was too busy looking at what wasn’t perfect to appreciate my own efforts.
Perfectionism says that anything less that outstanding is not good enough, but this is untrue. Instead of stressing about not having time to bake that cake, be satisfied that you brought a packet of Doritos to share, or (bonus points), just rock up empty handed because your presence is a gift. Instead of lamenting the fact that you didn’t get an A+ on that essay, appreciate that you wrote it the night before and still passed. Planned to tick 5 things off your to-do list but only got to 1? That’s okay!
By appreciating the good I do instead of focusing on the good-I-could-have-done-if-I-just-got-my-act-together, I can slowly break down the unrealistic standards of perfection I hold myself to and notice the incredible way God uses little, awkward me to be his hands and feet. We don’t need to be remarkable or exceptional to do great things, we just need a heart that’s seeking God’s heart. God can and will use your imperfect efforts to push His love and light into the world.
#4 APPRECIATE OTHER PEOPLES’ EFFORTS
Another dark side of perfectionism is how it can lead us to be critical of others, applying the same unrealistic standards of perfection that we inflict on ourselves to those around us.
Prior to 2019, YMT volunteers worked part-time to support their mission. When I was on team, I scored a Monday morning cleaning job. On public holidays this cleaning still had to be done, so in a spirit of great selflessness, my fellow team members would come and help me get the cleaning done so I could have a day off too. The problem was, I was often stressed and downright frustrated at having my team join me. Why? They didn’t clean the way I liked. I had a very particular sequence and technique and couldn’t accept that my team had different ways of cleaning. The fact that my team would come and clean with me when they could be relaxing at home spoke loudly about how much they valued me. I feel so loved just remembering how kind my team were to give up their time for me, a gift that I couldn’t receive at the time because I was being such an ungrateful perfectionist!
I can often do this, fail to see the beauty of someone’s intentions or their own unique qualities because I’m so stuck on how I think things should be. Perfectionism kills gratitude. The more I look for things to be grateful for instead of things to criticize, the more I find to appreciate. Obviously, it is okay to have preferences and to communicate these to others, but if our preferences lead us to become isolated, critical, and to push away the genuine love and generosity of others, we are the ones who lose. We not only cut ourselves off from others, but from the goodness that God wants to pour into our lives through them.
#5 CELEBRATE MISTAKES
Laughing at myself and being able to remain light-hearted when life doesn’t go to plan is not something that comes naturally to me. When I stuff something up, instead of jumping on the familiar downward spiral and beating myself up about it, I’m learning to let myself off the hook.
Recently, I attended a meeting at a school I had never been to. Doing new things makes me nervous at the best of times, but on this day, I managed to drop my folder of crisp, freshly printed paperwork directly into a muddy gutter as I got out of the car. Walking through the pristine school grounds, it dawned on me I would be presenting the deputy principal with watermarked documents. I knew I had grown because instead of stressing about the dirty paperwork, remembering it with a cringe for weeks to come, I prayed a little prayer, let it go and was able to be confident and relaxed in the meeting. Driving back, I had to laugh at the whole situation.
Mistakes and slip-ups happen to everyone. Instead of gripping onto them, sharpening them, and using them to slice up your self-worth, try handing them over to God. He is highly invested in keeping your self-worth intact. Your mistakes and failures are not your defining characteristics, and celebrating these vulnerable little moments makes a powerful prayer. By going to God like a little child, laughing at and learning from my mistakes instead of hurting myself with them, the lies perfectionism tells no longer have a place to take root.
So, there you have it, my 5 top tips! Perfectionism does not live up to its name, quite the contrary, it sets us up for failure by distorting our relationships with ourselves and with others. God longs to draw us out of these distortions and into gratitude, peace, and a view of ourselves that is built firmly on His love and truth. Tune into God’s voice today and don’t be afraid to reach out for help.
Genevieve is from Melbourne and is currently completing a degree in Secondary Education and Visual Art. She enjoys large cups of tea, strong coffee, public speaking, lighting scented candles and spending copious amounts of alone time in nature. Gen volunteered for YMT in Wollongong and Perth back in ’13 and ’14 and is currently working as the Ministry Coordinator of the Melbourne team.